Look Up At The Mountains I Have To Climb

So many Cat Stevens songs play into my memories and my life, mostly because of Andrew, and this one is no different. It may be one of my favorites as well. But sometimes, his spirit sustains me in times of trouble, and I keep fighting knowing that he wouldn't let me stop if he were here now.

I was greeted this morning, the first Monday back from vacation, by the second letter in two weeks time detailing alleged incompetence and impropriety on my part. It's all mudslinging, all diversion, but, the constant barrage of negativity I'm operating under right now begins to wear on the psyche. However, I had a wonderful conversation with a new friend this evening, who called me from the airport on his way to a business trip. Checking in on my Monday, and letting me, somewhat calmly because he's new, relay this recent attack on my credibility and ability to perform my job. And he was encouraging and supportive, mostly in that he didn't offer advice or action, just listened, and extended some empathy.

And I thought of this song, about struggle and movement and greeting adversity to come out balanced and content. This, too, shall pass, this drama, this constant barrage of shrapnel to my professionalism. Calm will win out over crazy, I hope. But damn, some days it just drains me.

Miles from nowhere,
Guess I'll take my time, oh yeah,
To reach there.
Look up at the mountain I have to climb,
Oh yeah,
To reach there.
Lord my body has been a good friend,
But I won't need it when I reach the end...

Miles from Nowhere - Cat Stevens

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Feathers Are Falling On My Feet

This song is all about my mood today, quietly happy and thoughtful. And even though this song references summer, it could have been the soundtrack to the snow falling lightly in the woods, as C and I made our way around the trail. Stopping to enjoy the quiet, watch the snow, take in the sugar coating on the trees, listen to the water run down the brook, noticing the tracks that were not ours along ours in the snow. Simply gorgeous, and simple, and very refreshing, in more ways than one.

I'm being courted, like, old-fashioned courting, one outing at a time. No pressure, no rushing things along. Just enjoying the moments that come to us, and hoping for the next one, whenever it is.

Gospel - The National

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Open Up Your Heart, Let The Light Shine In

Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.
Nisargadatta Maharaj

The Maharaj and Colin are saying it much better than I could today.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin - Colin Hay

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On the Road to Find Out

So, I may have been slightly wrong about the not being ready for this jelly comment yesterday, but we'll see. I've been wrong about dates before. I also tend to attract the ones that throw all their high cards down on the table when the first meet me, to keep me interested, and then they turn into, well, all of my exes, who really, at the end of the day, just don't know what to do with me, or want me to tone it down and stop being me. I didn't get that feeling last night; I wasn't ever corrected, or interrupted, or "one-upped" during our dinner. I was just allowed to be me, in all my intensity, and sincerity, and goofiness. Just me. And, it seemed to be well received.

There is also no substitute for pure chemistry, however, and I have to figure out how to manage that as well.

But, at the end of the evening, I was genuinely and pleasantly surprised at how well the night went. No curve to the A grade on this one :)

On The Road To Find Out - Cat Stevens

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I DON'T Think You're Ready For This Jelly...

But, out I go to dinner. Hoping for an enjoyable evening, with minimal drama.

Bootylicious - Destiny's Child

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A Picture of You, Holding a Picture of Me

I know, I know, I said I'd stop with the repeats, but this one actually fits for today. I had lunch with one of my FAVORITE colleagues today, and he saw the cd case for this album on my car floor. He then mentioned the song that closes the movie, "The Town", and said, "that great line, 'a picture of you, holding a picture of me'; isn't that tremendous?" And since that line is the most killer line, and one of my favorite lines in a song ever (the implications in that imagery just kills me), we started a conversation about Ray.

See? He's singing my life right now, in more ways than I expected. So, to thank Walter for a lovely afternoon down by the water in Salem, this song is for him.

Jolene - Ray LaMontagne

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People Say Crazy Things

I need to stop repeating myself with the artists, but goddammit, if Adele and Ray LaMontagne just don't have it going on in my musical world right now.

Ray is coming to town in June; I plan to be there for that show. The Adele shows are sold out everywhere, and I'm beginning to ponder who I need to suck up to to get in to see her. It's the voice. Just knocking me right out of my head.

Go buy this. Seriously.

Rumour Has It - Adele

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There's A Second-Hand Emotion On A Battered 45

And he's bringing back the song wheel for his next tour...

Oh, the joy. Andrew, I may get a chance to experience this after all.

Next Time Round - Elvis Costello and the Imposters

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A Mulatto, An Albino, A Mosquito, My Libido

Today would have been Kurt Cobain's 44th (!) birthday.

I can still remember the first time I heard this song; I had to pull over to the side of the road. It simply blew my mind. Nirvana had such potential, and hit such great heights so quickly; I can imagine that is hard to process if you're fragile to begin with.

Happy Birthday, rest in peace.

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

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Why Red Wine, YouTube, and Email Are a Dangerous Combination

It's because I then end up emailing desperately gorgeous, but highly charged, videos of young British soul singers to people, who may or may not get it. Mea culpa...

In my defense, you all know how I get when a song grabs me. A song such as the one I posted last night, or the even MORE insanely beautiful, "Someone Like You".



Like this one wasn't going to reduce me to a weeping mass. Because this song isn't my life at all... ;)

Enjoy it. It's so stunningly poignant, and resigned, and just so perfect. I believe this album debuts in the States Tuesday. You can damn well bet I will own it.

Someone Like You - Adele

Think of Me in the Depths of Your Despair

Oh, hello Adele...



Thanks, Kate, for the wine and cheese and soul.

Rolling in the Deep - Adele

Ain't It Just Like The Night...

Sometimes, it's just about the mood.

Richard Gere once said in an interview he couldn't imagine a world without this song. There are moments when I completely understand that sentiment.

Visions of Johanna - Bob Dylan

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Don't Worry, About A Thing...

So, our little drama queen has landed herself in the hospital yet again. She got a stomach virus, which has held on tight and caused her to become dehydrated. So, she's in our local hospital, IV fluids, yelling at the nurses, and her parents, and me, "home now?!?!" Poor little thing.

So, here's some Bob Marley sending good vibes to Gracie, and her parents, who are realizing they may never relax again. We love you, sweetie. Come home soon.

Three Little Birds - Bob Marley

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It's All About the He Said/She Said Bullsh*t

There are no words today. Just trying to breathe through the anger and frustration.

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

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Everybody Needs Love

Ok, I was going to avoid it. But several surprise friendly Valentine greetings today turned me (partially) away from my Grinch Who Stole Valentine's Day mood.

Partially.

The Drive-by Truckers gave all of us fanatics this song for a present today. Go out and buy the new album tomorrow.

Hug someone. Even if it is yourself. Everybody needs love :)

Everybody Needs Love - The Drive-by Truckers

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Are We Strangers Now?

I know, another Ray LaMontagne song. He's singing my life these days, though. And this album, God Willing And the Creek Don't Rise, is simply stunning.

When you're swimming in emotion, Ray's your perfect soundtrack, trust me. He's got it nailed.

On a somewhat related sidenote, the Grammy's apparently are on tonight. This award ceremony and rock and roll have become strangers over the years, as well.

Like Rock and Roll and Radio - Ray LaMontagne

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Saturday Night Song

Songs like this make me think I'm soaring, high above it all. I need this kind of song today. Making a token appearance at a school fundraiser. Wish I had plans afterward as well. Such are my Saturdays...

Queen of the Highway - Morel

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I've Got An Open Door, It Didn't Get There By Itself

Every once in a while, this song pops up on Sheryl's yoga playlist. I've always adored it. Annie has a tremendous voice. This sort of feels like the coda to this incredibly trying week.



Dark Road - Annie Lennox

She Clicks Her Heels, Feet Will Never Leave The Ground

This week is finally drawing to a close, and it's been hellish in places, simply hellish. Work stress going to eleven, drama on Tuesday that shook me hard, and still has me shaky. But, I've been breathing my way through it all week, and tonight, I took a really neat yoga class with J tonight, Partner Yoga. Lots of stretching, supported balances, interesting lifts, twists, and binds (we actually did the bind quite well). I'm stronger than I think, and it was a really fun way to unwind. A joint practice led by the teacher who got both of us started on our practices. It was wonderful. I may be a little tweaky tomorrow, but it totally reset my mood.

So, a soaring, wonderful Bob song to commemorate the evening. We just keep going round and round. But it's ok.

Soundonsound - Bob Mould

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I Know My Vote Doesn't Count Anymore

Today's song was very nearly Husker Du's "Never Talking To You Again". Too near for comfort. Instead, I'm going with this really poignant one from Bob. This feels more accurate anyway...

Nobody deserves to be lonely,
No one should be left alone
Because time doesn’t wait,
It will only accelerate,
As the days and the months and the years go by...
(when I cry I see millions of circles...)

Circles - Bob Mould

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Pablo Picasso Was Never Called A...

...Oh wait, it's not *that* Repo Man ;)

The antithesis to yesterday's song. In more ways than one.

Repo Man - Ray LaMontagne and the Pariah Dogs

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I Don't Want Pity; I Just Want What Is Mine

This should have been yesterday's song, but by the time I figured that out, I had already posted. I finally processed my last visit with someone I spent a long time wishing would be something else in my life.

It's going to take me a long time to write this whole story, as it's twisted beyond belief. Here's what you need to know for now, however. The minute I looked into his eyes this last time, I knew something had changed so drastically in him, whatever glimmer of hope I still clung reluctantly to regarding the two of us vanished. It was a such a fleeting, yet huge moment, but I knew there was something broken there that not only I couldn't fix, I knew I couldn't even try. Sometimes the abyss stares back.

I once likened his reluctant, but definite, rejection of me to being handed the most perfect, luminous jewel, one that radiated light and love and happiness. He looked at it, took it in his hands, even. Examined it closely, sighed, and put it down and walked away. And for a long time, I held out hope that he'd change his mind. But things in my life changed, and my songs shifted, and it became clear to me this last time, I no longer wanted him to change his mind. I knew he wasn't capable of being my partner. Not anymore, if indeed he ever was. And after the long conversations that finally revealed the things that were never said, the secrets never talked about, I told him I was better than what he was giving me. It was only after that moment, that assertion, was I able to enjoy the rest of our time together. And we did. We fell into our old patterns of conversation, our close friendship, our shared musical brains. But I knew something was gone, and not coming back. And whereas, it was making me sad, I didn't shed a single tear that entire time together.

Until last night.

I was browsing iTunes, and I came across this song. I've always vaguely known it, and for some reason, I listened to the sample. This was the lyric that came up:

I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Yeah.. Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave
Now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me...

I bought the song, and listened, and finally cried. Tears that were both sad and viciously angry because I know for damn sure no tears have been shed for me. And maybe if he outwardly showed that he felt something about this lost possibility, I'd feel a little more closure about it. But I can't force people to feel--good, bad or otherwise. And whereas I am sad at the lost opportunity, I can't let myself be dragged down into that kind of darkness again. I wanted so much more, but I can't be the one doing all the work, not this time. Not ever again. So that's all I want at this point, for him to cry just a little for me.

Cry - Faith Hill
(make with the clicking...)

Let It Steal Your Heart Away

Possibly one of my top 5 Stones songs. I was listening to Exile last night, marveling at how gritty, and disjointed, and marvelously enchantingly rough it sounds. Makes me think about what makes an album a classic, and how sometimes technical perfection needs to give way to letting a mood take over.

Some albums just run on feeling. They build this sonic bubble of mood around you, and you're locked into that moment in time. And sometimes, those moments transcend and become definitions of what makes an art form great. Exile is one of those moments. It's gorgeous in its seediness.

Just as long as the guitar plays,
let it steal your heart away...

Torn and Frayed - The Rolling Stones

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Don't Let Your Ears Refuse To Hear

Not a new artist, but new to me. Well, since last August, anyway. So much to love about Ray. The neo-folk thing, but still fleshed out enough to avoid being wispy. Quiet, and contemplative, and huge, all at the same time.

Ray is hitting all of my lyrical content buttons lately.

Short distance dedication on this one.

Hold You In My Arms - Ray LaMontagne

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Long Distance Dedication

Wish you were here, as I had a surprise waiting for me when I got home from work tonight, and this song fits it perfectly... ;)

When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin

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All Mixed Up in the Wash, Hot Water Bleeding Our Colors

Listen to that driving, smoldering bass and guitar line. It's slinky, warm, with an edge. I like an edge. It's vaguely reminiscent of Joy Division, or Echo and the Bunnymen, and, of course, this is a swishing around my living room in that oh-so-deliberate way kind of song. You know, the way I swish around to "Hypnotized". So, I can't get enough of this one these days. Enjoy.

Plus, I feel hung up to dry tonight...

Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids

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A Boy Is Not A Man Until He Makes A Stand

Well, the White Stripes have officially called it quits. A very polarizing duo, one that took me a long time to appreciate, but once I found that bandwagon, I was hooked.

One of many great songs. Their live show was messy, and a little lo-fi, but a good time as well.

Sayonara, Meg and Jack.

The Air Between My Fingers - The White Stripes

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Snow (Hey Oh)

Yes, shocker, it's snowing again. In New England. I had school today; it took me two hours to get home, but I made it, safely. Put a pot of sauce up, poured some red wine (and then some more), and waited for the now weekly call that school is canceled tomorrow.

It came. Me and Cigar Box Malbec are going to enjoy this evening.

Snow (Hey Oh) - Red Hot Chili Peppers

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