Crack Up In the Sun, Lose It In the Shade

Another repeat story tonight, with another repeat character in my life. The major players, you'll see a lot here...

When I bought three of the Ryko Replacements reissues in the span of a week and a half, I really had no idea that it would have the effect on my brain that it's having right now. But, every time I get into my car, and turn the stereo on, I find myself wondering what the hell year it is, and why isn't Matt riding with me?

It seems that the past is haunting me, and I could fix this easily by just changing the cd's in my car, but, I DON'T WANT TO. There is something positively delicious, like bittersweet chocolate, about this reverie I'm finding myself in right now. Because the combination of Tim, and the fall, illustrates the drunken heyday of Matt and I's days together. Those days when it was all new, and shining, and swirling through our world like a tornado. Every second there was something new to learn, to hear, to touch, and if I felt drunk then when it was happening, I'm feeling equally as drunk remembering it now.

We took the bus to the Dedham Plaza after school one day, to go to Strawberries Records, because he found himself absolutely incredulous, after reading a truly maudlin poem I had written about a drunk, that I had never heard The Replacements before. At that point, I had never heard OF them, never mind heard the song I essentially, unknowingly, ripped off in that writing. On the bus to the next town over, into the store, and home again on the bus, and immediately upstairs to my room, where he skipped the whole first side and went right for "Here Comes a Regular". We lay on the floor, our heads facing the speakers, and listened to the whole thing before he had to go home for the evening.

People talk about memories being tied to specific senses, and without question, sound is there for me. There are certain albums whose opening notes transport me back to certain times in my life as if they were time machines. Tim is one of those albums. And it isn't just that single day; it's that whole, glorious, mad fall when we were first together. The bright sunshine, the vivid colors all around us, the cool breezes, all of it seemed to be projecting into the world what we felt in our hearts, an unrelenting feeling of drama and excitement and flaming passion for everything. "Hold my life, until I'm ready to use it, because I just might lose it."

So, I've been driving around most of this month, through the same streets we walked, with Tim in the player, and the autumn unfolding outside my window, and I keep thinking I'm going to turn a corner and see Matt in his denim jacket walking from the center of town. And whereas I'm not wishing those days back, I am wishing I could pick up the phone, and say, "hey, let's go for a ride". Because I keep looking at the empty passenger seat in my car and being surprised that he's NOT actually sitting there. It sure feels like he's here somewhere.

Hold My Life - The Replacements

MP3 File