I Don't Want Pity; I Just Want What Is Mine
This should have been yesterday's song, but by the time I figured that out, I had already posted. I finally processed my last visit with someone I spent a long time wishing would be something else in my life.
It's going to take me a long time to write this whole story, as it's twisted beyond belief. Here's what you need to know for now, however. The minute I looked into his eyes this last time, I knew something had changed so drastically in him, whatever glimmer of hope I still clung reluctantly to regarding the two of us vanished. It was a such a fleeting, yet huge moment, but I knew there was something broken there that not only I couldn't fix, I knew I couldn't even try. Sometimes the abyss stares back.
I once likened his reluctant, but definite, rejection of me to being handed the most perfect, luminous jewel, one that radiated light and love and happiness. He looked at it, took it in his hands, even. Examined it closely, sighed, and put it down and walked away. And for a long time, I held out hope that he'd change his mind. But things in my life changed, and my songs shifted, and it became clear to me this last time, I no longer wanted him to change his mind. I knew he wasn't capable of being my partner. Not anymore, if indeed he ever was. And after the long conversations that finally revealed the things that were never said, the secrets never talked about, I told him I was better than what he was giving me. It was only after that moment, that assertion, was I able to enjoy the rest of our time together. And we did. We fell into our old patterns of conversation, our close friendship, our shared musical brains. But I knew something was gone, and not coming back. And whereas, it was making me sad, I didn't shed a single tear that entire time together.
Until last night.
I was browsing iTunes, and I came across this song. I've always vaguely known it, and for some reason, I listened to the sample. This was the lyric that came up:
I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Yeah.. Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
Now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me...
I bought the song, and listened, and finally cried. Tears that were both sad and viciously angry because I know for damn sure no tears have been shed for me. And maybe if he outwardly showed that he felt something about this lost possibility, I'd feel a little more closure about it. But I can't force people to feel--good, bad or otherwise. And whereas I am sad at the lost opportunity, I can't let myself be dragged down into that kind of darkness again. I wanted so much more, but I can't be the one doing all the work, not this time. Not ever again. So that's all I want at this point, for him to cry just a little for me.
Cry - Faith Hill
(make with the clicking...)