I've Got An Open Door, It Didn't Get There By Itself

Every once in a while, this song pops up on Sheryl's yoga playlist. I've always adored it. Annie has a tremendous voice. This sort of feels like the coda to this incredibly trying week.



Dark Road - Annie Lennox

I Know My Vote Doesn't Count Anymore

Today's song was very nearly Husker Du's "Never Talking To You Again". Too near for comfort. Instead, I'm going with this really poignant one from Bob. This feels more accurate anyway...

Nobody deserves to be lonely,
No one should be left alone
Because time doesn’t wait,
It will only accelerate,
As the days and the months and the years go by...
(when I cry I see millions of circles...)

Circles - Bob Mould

MP3 File

I Don't Want Pity; I Just Want What Is Mine

This should have been yesterday's song, but by the time I figured that out, I had already posted. I finally processed my last visit with someone I spent a long time wishing would be something else in my life.

It's going to take me a long time to write this whole story, as it's twisted beyond belief. Here's what you need to know for now, however. The minute I looked into his eyes this last time, I knew something had changed so drastically in him, whatever glimmer of hope I still clung reluctantly to regarding the two of us vanished. It was a such a fleeting, yet huge moment, but I knew there was something broken there that not only I couldn't fix, I knew I couldn't even try. Sometimes the abyss stares back.

I once likened his reluctant, but definite, rejection of me to being handed the most perfect, luminous jewel, one that radiated light and love and happiness. He looked at it, took it in his hands, even. Examined it closely, sighed, and put it down and walked away. And for a long time, I held out hope that he'd change his mind. But things in my life changed, and my songs shifted, and it became clear to me this last time, I no longer wanted him to change his mind. I knew he wasn't capable of being my partner. Not anymore, if indeed he ever was. And after the long conversations that finally revealed the things that were never said, the secrets never talked about, I told him I was better than what he was giving me. It was only after that moment, that assertion, was I able to enjoy the rest of our time together. And we did. We fell into our old patterns of conversation, our close friendship, our shared musical brains. But I knew something was gone, and not coming back. And whereas, it was making me sad, I didn't shed a single tear that entire time together.

Until last night.

I was browsing iTunes, and I came across this song. I've always vaguely known it, and for some reason, I listened to the sample. This was the lyric that came up:

I don't want pity
I just want what is mine
Yeah.. Could you cry a little
Lie just a little
Pretend that you're feeling a little more pain
I gave
Now I'm wanting
Something in return
So cry just a little for me...

I bought the song, and listened, and finally cried. Tears that were both sad and viciously angry because I know for damn sure no tears have been shed for me. And maybe if he outwardly showed that he felt something about this lost possibility, I'd feel a little more closure about it. But I can't force people to feel--good, bad or otherwise. And whereas I am sad at the lost opportunity, I can't let myself be dragged down into that kind of darkness again. I wanted so much more, but I can't be the one doing all the work, not this time. Not ever again. So that's all I want at this point, for him to cry just a little for me.

Cry - Faith Hill
(make with the clicking...)

I'd Give You Everything I've Got For A Little Peace of Mind

I threw a mix in the trash the other day; I've never thrown a mix I made for someone away in my entire life. But, I made it, and when I finally had the chance to give it to its recipient, it was no longer relevant. Except for one song, which I've already posted.

Maybe I'll tell that story soon, told through the songs of what could have been, but wasn't. What was lost, through no fault of my own.

Tonight, however, I'm just plum tired. A long week ahead, too. Need to stay relatively focused.

Threw it away...some days, I even surprise myself.

I'm So Tired - The Beatles.

MP3 File

How Long Must We Sing This Song?

There is always more than one side to armed conflict. There are always perspectives not clear to the watching world.

As we sit and watch the growing unrest and violence in Egypt today, the anniversary of another violent and deadly protest against a government is marked today. Thirty-nine years ago today, the Bogside Massacre occurred in Derry, perhaps best known in America as the event that inspired today's song.

So, as the news of the world unfolds before us, I have to join in this chorus, and ask the question, "how long, how long must we sing this song?"



Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2

Sooner or Later

You said you'd listened to more Bob Dylan in this last year and a half than any person ever has. If that's the case, I'm sure Shelter From the Storm passed your way at least once. I've offered that to you before.

I'm equally certain this one passed your ears as well. It's more relevant to me today than it ever has been, or ever will be again.

But, sooner or later, one of us must know
You just did what you’re supposed to do
Sooner or later, one of us must know
That I really did try to get close to you...

One of Us Must Know(Sooner or Later)- Bob Dylan

MP3 File

So Bitter And So Sweet

I could drink a case of you, and still be on my feet...

About sums it up, all of this. Talk about seismic shifts.



A Case of You - Joni Mitchell

Come In, She Said...

... I'll give you shelter from the storm.

Shelter From the Storm - Bob Dylan

MP3 File

The Waiting

...is the hardest part ;)

The Waiting - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

MP3 File

Strength In The Distances Between Us

Come here, stand in front of the light.
Stand still, so I can see your silouhette.
I hope that you have got all night,
Because I am not done looking at you yet.

Great song.

Overlap - Ani DiFranco

MP3 File

Pretend That I Am Weightless, And In This Moment I Am Happy

"And in this moment I am happy..."

Wish You Were Here- Incubus

MP3 File

Counting the Cars on the New Jersey Turnpike

The title of this song was used as a code once. It signaled to a friend that I was on my way to see him. It's a line from this song, one of his favorites, which is also used so wonderfully in our favorite shared movie, Almost Famous.

I'll see you soon. We can count the cars when I get there.

America - Simon and Garfunkel

MP3 File

It's Been A While Since I Could Call You

Inspired by a couple of phone conversations this week. It's been a while, indeed...

It's Been A While - Staind

MP3 File

A 365 to 40 Holiday, Epilogue: How Do You Measure A Year In The Life?

It's quite the question, isn't it? And although this song offers up some pretty wonderful metrics, it's measured in so many more ways than daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee, inches, miles, laughter and strife. As the sun begins to set on 2010, literally, and I get ready to ring in a new year with friends and family, I'm thinking about the wonders this past year brought to me, and the immense and wonderful changes in my life since the calendar turned.

I wasn't particularly introspective about my life last year, but, I had made myself some promises that midnight, promises that I think I've kept. First and foremost, to be good to myself, and to love myself, with all my imperfections and moments of glory. I can't love anybody else unless I can do that first, and I think this year brought me as close as I've ever come. I'm not waiting around for someone to make my happiness; all year long, I was the major architect of everything that made me happy, made me fulfilled, brought me peace and clarity. And through this practice of finding the good, good came to me. In big ways and small, but it came.

My family, as always, was my foundation, my safe place, and I was able to play a role in my family's life this year that was so wonderful and special and such an honor for me, when I officiated the wedding ceremony, and legally married, my sister Colleen and her husband Darrin. One of the highlights of my life, not just my year. And a mere five days later, I missed them terribly as I embarked on the greatest adventure I've had thus far, my near month-long stay in Ireland. Ireland changed me for the better; a complete perspective reset. I came back stronger, and happy, and completely confident in the direction my life was going.

The other great thing that has taken root in my life this year is my yoga practice, and at the risk of sounding like the world's worst hippie, next to Ireland, nothing else has brought such clarity and focus and peace to my soul and my spirit as my time on the mat. After expressing an interest in beginning when I saw the positive changes it was making in another friend's life, he pointed me in the direction of a beginner class, and I haven't looked back. So, although I fully embraced it on my own, J pointed me in the right direction, and I thank him for that. Yoga helps bring me the freedom to be who I am, at this moment. It challenges me, it inspires me, it calms me completely. I am not a perfect yogi, but none of us are. There have been great changes in my physical practice since I started, and great changes in my mental state as well, evidenced by my reaction to the great Meringue Disaster of 2010. Realizing my recipe of choice for the cookie swap was failing miserably, I simply swept it all into the bin, and regrouped, without flapping, without tears, without thinking myself a failure. The plan B recipe ended up taking a prize.

My friends have also been my greatest champions, and I realized that after I returned home from Ireland, and saw how much they missed me, including ones I didn't expect to miss me much at all. They have seen me through great changes, and I love each and every one of them. We have helped each other through horrific patches of uncertainty and doubt, and celebrated simple joys. I love that I am spending tonight with the exact same people I spent last New Year's Eve with, no pressure, no drama, just each other. Some friends drifted out of my life for a time, and then back in, and as the year closes, I simply say this: decide. In or out. We have much to give each other, but I'm not putting my life on hold.

2011 is bringing new challenges, such as a graduate program, as well as TEACHING in two other graduate programs. I am nervous and excited and honored to be able to share my expertise with future educators.

Rather than send a million personal thank you's to everyone, I simply leave you with this:
May the next 525,600 minutes bring you joy, and peace, teach you great lessons and find you strength. Most of all, may it bring you love.

Happy New Year. 2011, I'm ready.

Rent, Original Broadway Cast

MP3 File

I Will Hold On Hope...

The lyrics in this one are simply incredible. This whole album, really.

One of many I could have posted, but this one, I'm singing...

"Take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made..."

Thistle and Weeds - Mumford and Sons

MP3 File

A Bag of Songs And A Heavy Heart

(A repost, but a worthy one. This song still gives me chills. Just felt like listening to it tonight.)

It's incredible. Not listening to much commercial radio these days, I have no idea if this woman is making a name for herself here in the States, but apparently, she's huge in the UK. I can see why. She's got that unbelievable golden era of female R&B singers; I'm sure she listened to more than her share of Dusty Springfield, Martha Reeves and the Vandellas, Ronettes, and Supremes (or, at least her producer did). She's got the sound down solid, with some modern flair, and it's a "purer" feel to it than Amy Winehouse, who married the sound to booze and drugs and sex. Duffy keeps it true to the genre. Love and betrayal and longing.

I'm totally digging on this album. I even changed my ringtone on my phone to another song from this--Mercy. Which makes me conjure up images of go-go dancers in white patent leather boots and psychedelic patterned dresses on a platform above a hundred grooving kids. I wonder if I can pull off the flipped hair and the pale lipstick?

"I'll move to Rockferry tomorrow,
and I'll build my house, baby, with sorrow,
I'll leave my shadow to fall behind,
And I wouldn't write to you, 'cuz I'm not that kind..."

That last line always makes me wonder about what she means by "kind": that kind of girl, or just kind in general? Either way, it's a killer close.


Rockferry - Duffy

MP3 File

A 365 to 40 Holiday, Day 7: Olden Times and Ancient Rhymes, and Love and Dreams To Share

Today's song is special for all sorts of reasons. First and foremost, my sisters and I LOVE (not past tense, current) this special, and will still make every effort to watch it on TV. Yes, I own the DVD, but I won't watch it until I've seen it on the networks first. It makes it still "a special" that way. Peanuts is my sister Cat's favorite cartoon, and Linus is her favorite ever. So, this is all tied up in memories of being a kid, in our pjs with a special snack, sitting cross-legged in front of the tv, waiting for those ridiculous York Peppermint Patty commercials to be finished so we could get to the best part. "That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

In church, as we got older and a little more irreverent, we would throw our heads back like the Peanuts gang whenever we had to sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" at the close of Christmas Eve mass. I wrote a quiz for my sixth grade students one year, for extra credit points.

Everything about this song is special to me, an all time classic. It's posted today for two reasons: one, it's on Channel 5 (local ABC affiliate, check your own listings) tonight, so you know where I'll be at 8:00. Two, it's MJ's birthday today, and he requested this one for his birthday post. So, happy birthday, friend. Glad you're back to listen to yet another countdown.

Christmas Time is Here (vocal) - Vince Guaraldi Trio

MP3 File

A 365 to 40 Holiday, Day 6: Until Then, We'll Have to Muddle Through Somehow...

I never knew just how truly poignant and melancholy this song was until last year, when I finally heard the song in the context of the movie, "Meet Me In St. Louis". Singing to friends and family who are literally far away, and Judy Garland's voice, sounding so small, and damaged; it finally just killed me. I always knew it was sad, but its power finally crystallized for me after seeing that film. Yes, there were tears.

And yes, last year, as I was having this revelation about this song, I was thinking of someone in particular. Someone with who we always seem to be muddling through just whatever it is we are to each other. Staring across the canyon of whatever it is we can't get ourselves around. Until then, until when. And when the full weight of those lyrics hit me, this song rocketed up my personal Christmas hit chart from nice little number to must-listen all-time favorite.

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Judy Garland

MP3 File

A 365 to 40 Holiday, Day 3: Put Some Records On While I Pour

For many years, I worked at the Gap during the holiday season. The in-store music, at some point, would begin to wear on you, so it's sort of amazing that I still love Christmas music as much as I do. And I have some HATED carols; this isn't one of them. I first became aware of this song from one of those Gap in-store cd's.

This song is a naughty little number. It's not necessarily a "Christmas" song, as the only reference to holidays is that fact that Mr. Lothario is trying to get our damsel to stay in his likely swanky Central Park West apartment while a blizzard rages. It's a wonderful little sing-a-long number too, and I always did, standing back there in the denim wall, folding down a store that looked like a tornado ran through it, allowing myself the delusion that I have that sultry, smooth voice, and some fabulous black number on.

A perennial holiday classic, and one of my friend MJ's favorite songs. Put some records on while I pour, hon.

Baby, It's Cold Outside - Dean Martin and Doris Day

MP3 File

Just About a Moonlight Mile Down the Road

When the wind blows and the rain feels cold
With a head full of snow
With a head full of snow
In the window there's a face you know
Don't the night pass slow
Don't the nights pass slow

The sound of strangers sending nothing to my mind
Just another mad mad day on the road
I am just living to be lying by your side
But I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road

Made a rag pile of my shiny clothes
Gonna warm my bones
Gonna warm my bones
I got silence on my radio
Let the air waves flow
Let the air waves flow

Oh I'm sleeping under strange strange skies
Just another mad mad day on the road
My dreams is fading down the railway line
I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I'm hiding sister and I'm dreaming
I'm riding down your moonlight mile
I'm hiding baby and I'm dreaming
I'm riding down your moonlight mile
I'm riding down you moonlight mile

Let it go now, come on up babe
Yeah, let it go now
Yeah, flow now baby
Yeah move on now yeah

Yeah, I'm coming home
'Cause, I'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road
Down the road, down the road
Yeah, yeah, hey hey hey baby, now

Moonlight Mile - The Rolling Stones

MP3 File