Someday, Yeah, We'll Put It Together And We'll Get It All Done

Soon, right? Because I am worn down. I feel it in my brain, in my lungs, which is not good.

Things are gonna get easier... here's hoping.

Ooh Child - The Five Stairsteps

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Thursday's Mood

It wears me out...

Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

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Baby, It's Been A Long Day...

Another song for the Joy Playlist. Christopher doesn't know about this one yet, but it's perfect, particularly after the run I've been having this spring. Let's just say today culminated in a student downloading porn on a school computer.

Plus, this song has such a great groove.

Seriously. The best thing... :)

You Are The Best Thing - Ray LaMontagne

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Where Do You Go When No One's Following You?

Feeling really overwhelmed right now with all the work I have this week. I need to make it through to Saturday night.

Taught Monday night, came home and did homework for class. Yoga tonight, and now more homework. Friends from class are calling me for help, and I haven't even started the assignment. Tomorrow is bus duty, then dinner with the student government representatives and what is likely a long school committee meeting. Thursday night, my own class. Then Friday and Saturday, teaching weekend one of my other graduate class. How the hell did I get into this??

I'll make it. But I know I'm not 100% with any of these things, and that scares me. Keep breathing, though.

Musical interlude. The Foo Fighters and Bob Mould. Happy goodness to help me keep on keeping on :)

Dear Rosemary - The Foo Fighters

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I Feel That Ice Is Slowly Melting

So, today was the first day this spring the temperature reached above 70 degrees. I wish I had been outside for more of it, but my drive home was certainly wonderful.

I am exhausted tonight. I have a pile of work to do for my graduate program; I should do some work for MCAS math groupings so that my staff can work on them tomorrow while I'm at YET ANOTHER highly annoying administration meeting, and I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. And this week is NON-STOP. Right up through Saturday night, where I'm having game night again. Meetings, teaching, class, yoga. So much going on.

But, it was warm today, and I was paid an interesting compliment by someone I didn't expect it from, and it was affirmed by two colleagues, which I found as interesting as the compliment itself. So, it wasn't all bad. But I really could fall asleep right this moment. Perhaps this supremely mellow song isn't where I need to go tonight... :)

Here Comes The Sun - The Beatles

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All Mixed Up in the Wash, Hot Water Bleeding Our Colors

Listen to that driving, smoldering bass and guitar line. It's slinky, warm, with an edge. I like an edge. It's vaguely reminiscent of Joy Division, or Echo and the Bunnymen, and, of course, this is a swishing around my living room in that oh-so-deliberate way kind of song. You know, the way I swish around to "Hypnotized". So, I can't get enough of this one these days. Enjoy.

Plus, I feel hung up to dry tonight...

Hang Me Up To Dry - Cold War Kids

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I Know It Don't Thrill You

So, it's the last evening of vacation. I've spent the afternoon dismantling Christmas. It's always sad to see my house after the decorations have been put away, even though it's been returned to the state it lives in 11 months out of the year. I just love the festive feel, and it always makes me a little blue.

Combine that with the return to work tomorrow, and a less than stellar New Year's celebration, I'm feeling a little cranky. Such is life. It's about to get crazy busy for me too, as I start teaching a grad course on the 11th, and my own coursework starts on the 21st.

Enjoy the last night of the winter holidays, folks. Breathe deeply tomorrow.

Welcome to the Working Week - Elvis Costello

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Sweet Child of Mine

Liz wrote a wonderful post about her daughter yesterday. You should read it before you continue any further with this one, so that you can see the juxtaposition I've been pondering in my head all day.

This morning, I chaired a meeting to talk about educational planning for one of my students with autism. There are many, many things I love about this student, including his smile, sense of humor, and his really unusual set of abilities. This unusual set of abilities, combined with a kung-fu grip and a penchant for biting and pinching when overstimulated, also makes him extremely challenging to program for in a public setting. The conversation about whether or not the district is capable of educating him in the public schools is always somewhere on the back burner. This morning, it was more on the front burner. Not because of any specific incident, or lack of progress, or unreasonable demands, but because I watched a parent begin to come to terms with the reality of the dreams she had for this baby, and the potential reality of his adult life.

This family has fought tirelessly for this boy, and they continue to do so. Private therapies, recreational opportunities, maintaining as "normal" a family life as possible with a son who is semi-verbal on a good day, and prone to aggressive behavior when he can't communicate. He's lucky; they're very well-off financially, and have always been committed to public education, as this is the setting where he's most likely to generalize social skills and make connections to the community. All things that parents of "typically developing" children take for granted. Playing on the playground, signing up for Little League, tennis lessons, summer camp. Having a friend to the house for a sleep over. My student doesn't have those social connections, and despite everyone's best efforts, as he inches further into adolescence, he still lacks them in a meaningful way. Plus, even compared to my other students with autism in the building, with whom he has some connection, he's kind of an outlier, a very unique case. So when this parent, who has railed against the system to keep her significantly disabled child in the public setting, has fought and fought and fought for access for him, looks at me and asks if we would consider thinking about out of district placements for him, my heart breaks.

Coming to terms with a disability as signficantly involved as my student's is a lot like coming to terms after some one dies. Parents have talked about a grieving process, as they come to learn who their child is, and what he or she will ultimately be capable of in the course of life. It doesn't mean limiting opportunities, just changing what those expectations really are for that child, that future adult. And this family is certainly well aware of his capabilities, and potential adult outcomes. What I saw today was the beginning of the realization that we just may not be able to keep him wtih his peers. He, quite honestly, needs so much more than we can effectively give him. And, all of us at that table this morning knew it. It wasn't an indictment, or blame, more like the start of resignation. And it's incredibly sad for me. The failure of public schools to adequately meet the needs of the students who need the most, despite everyone's best efforts, is shameful. I spend every day trying to negotiate this disparity, these inequalities, and some days are easier than others. This morning was not easy. I'm wrestling with a profound sense of failure, which will only intensify if we do ultimately decide to send him to school elsewhere. It's not my fault, it's not his mother's fault, but it's still upsetting, all the same.

After this meeting, I was pretty emotional, and closed my office door to try and decompress. And I have to thank MJ for being online at that moment, as he really was wonderful, just letting me tap away about how frustrated I was, and sad, and not trying to fix it, or advise me. Just let me be, and was encouraging and strong when I needed a shoulder to lean on, to process the emotional piece of it all. My colleague Karen came by later, and I was able to process the educational side to the meeting, with someone who's both fought to keep kids in school and fought to find them better situations than their neighborhood schoolhouse.

Sometimes, I guess, advocating well for a child requires realizing your limitations as an educator. Sometimes, as with parenting, we just can't do it all.

I'm A Professional

Most of the time, anyway. Tonight, I gave a presentation to parents about MCAS and accommodations and how those affect their kids. (For you non-MA residents, and non-special education people, MCAS = State Assessment System, accommodations help kids with disabilities take it). Sitting in the audience, along with many anxious parents (expected) were the director of special education for the district (unexpected, increase stress points) and a school committee member (also unexpected).

Suddenly, I'm big time. Fortunately, I didn't bomb. Still a little sweaty now that it's all said and done, though.